Since our baby is now six months old I feel a quick review is in order. In particular, of the false idols which are worshipped in countless charming baby images. In my experience thus far, they are a Bad Idea.
The Madonna and Child pose: You know what this looks like. You cradle the baby in your arms and look down lovingly at his face while he sleeps peacefully. Top tip: if you are trying to get him to sleep, this is a bad pose. If you put your hand where the baby's face would be and adopt this pose you will in fact realise that what you are doing is breathing on him, so he gets little gusts of cold air. Guaranteed to wake him up. Only attempt if your baby is in fact the Son of God and immune to such petty annoyances.
Holding your baby up in the air above your head like an airplane while they scream with delight. I tried this once and once only. He threw up on my face.
Cute socks in bright hues to cover up their tiny feet. I spent a day counting. I put them back on thirty-eight times.
Blowing raspberries on your baby's belly to which they respond with adorable giggles. Well they do, but only after weeks of training. The first time you do it, as my poor husband found out, they widen their eyes in terror and burst into tears.
Weaning: the cute baby with a smudge of carrot puree on the tip of their nose. So sweetly messy. So easy to clean. In reality, I've found bits of rice-cake under his armpits at bathtime. No idea how they managed to get there through two layers of clothes and a bib.
Stain removers which turn your grubby little child into a vision of pure white like some sort of heavenly cherub. Give them half a tangerine to suck on. I then invite the manufacturers to come and look at the (once) white babygro as it emerges from the wash and admit defeat.
That's just a few of them. I'm looking forward to the bit where they toddle about, taking their first, oh so special steps. I suspect bloody knees follow very shortly.
The Madonna and Child pose: You know what this looks like. You cradle the baby in your arms and look down lovingly at his face while he sleeps peacefully. Top tip: if you are trying to get him to sleep, this is a bad pose. If you put your hand where the baby's face would be and adopt this pose you will in fact realise that what you are doing is breathing on him, so he gets little gusts of cold air. Guaranteed to wake him up. Only attempt if your baby is in fact the Son of God and immune to such petty annoyances.
Holding your baby up in the air above your head like an airplane while they scream with delight. I tried this once and once only. He threw up on my face.
Cute socks in bright hues to cover up their tiny feet. I spent a day counting. I put them back on thirty-eight times.
Blowing raspberries on your baby's belly to which they respond with adorable giggles. Well they do, but only after weeks of training. The first time you do it, as my poor husband found out, they widen their eyes in terror and burst into tears.
Weaning: the cute baby with a smudge of carrot puree on the tip of their nose. So sweetly messy. So easy to clean. In reality, I've found bits of rice-cake under his armpits at bathtime. No idea how they managed to get there through two layers of clothes and a bib.
Stain removers which turn your grubby little child into a vision of pure white like some sort of heavenly cherub. Give them half a tangerine to suck on. I then invite the manufacturers to come and look at the (once) white babygro as it emerges from the wash and admit defeat.
That's just a few of them. I'm looking forward to the bit where they toddle about, taking their first, oh so special steps. I suspect bloody knees follow very shortly.
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