Inventors and retailers: take note

My phone is jammed with texts from a colleague, due to give birth in the next two weeks. "Did you buy a dummy? What brand?" "Does swaddling really work?" "What brand of nappies, what size and how many do you use a day?". Evidently she's in the middle of a last-minute buying frenzy and is hoping I can shed some light on the many dilemmas facing her. I do my best to give helpful replies, although some of our exchanges highlight the difference between pre and post baby worlds. "Get a plastic laundry bin and put it by the changing table for accidents", I text her, to which she replies, evidently thinking of her tidy and well-organised life at present, "I think I'll just put dirty clothes straight in the washing machine." I have to smile. "In the middle of the night?" I text back and she has to admit that maybe I have a point.

So, a few notes for inventors and retailers about some things they really need to sort out: and these are just the things I've noticed so far. God knows how many more are coming our way...

Retailers:

• Since every single baby book tells you that you need vests (or bodysuits as they seem to be called nowadays) as part of your basic clothing for a baby, it might be an idea to stock them? (that's especially for you, flagship Mothercare on Oxford Street in London!)
• Why is it blue (the same exact shade of blue too) for boys and ooh, every other colour for girls? I've no objection to the pink and blue divide as such but I thought orange, green, yellow etc were for both? Apparently not. 'Neutral' = beige and white. I don't especially want my child to look like a mushroom. Also, I want two children so in buying for the first one, I was fairly keen to buy clothes that might be for either - otherwise I'm might be buying a whole new set for a girl one day... ah, I see why the retailers like this. But it's pretty boring to wear just one colour. It's a bit like those sci-fi films where people wear different colour jumpsuits according to their rank etc. I'd be bored rigid if someone said well you're a woman, therefore you will be wearing yellow, and only yellow, for your whole life. And in this exact shade, too.

Inventors:

• Changing tables: never take your eyes or hands off the baby as they might roll off the edge! Fair enough, so either a) make the sides higher so they can be lifted up like the side of a cot and keep the baby safe or b) add a safety harness? Oddly I've seen changing mats with a safety harness which just implies the baby will roll off the table taking the mat with them - unless it is secretly a parachute?
• Changing tables part two: if they had wheels (with brakes like prams) they could be moved about more easily - e.g. into the bathroom for bath time. Yes, I know some come with a bath built in but I don't really want water all over the nursery floor... that's why my bathroom has tiles.
• Why do the majority of pram features (and many other baby items) require two hands to operate? I have a baby taking up at least one arm and hand. One-handed for everything, please.
• Why do Pampers perform better than all other brands of disposable nappies? I'm not sponsored by them, honest. I bought 6 brands before our baby was born, including two eco-friendly ones which I rather hoped would be the winners. Pampers won hands down for non-bulkiness (some of the brands reminded me of really old fashioned sanitary towels for bulkiness) and small numbers of leaks. Talking to other parents most seemed to agree. I used to work for a large retailer and industrial espionage and copying was rife. How come no other brand is able to copy whatever it is Pampers are doing?