How do single parents manage? This was the question that occurred to me and every other (partnered) mother I know very soon after giving birth. Having our partners there for physical support, having someone else to hold the baby, make meals, change nappies/clothes/bedlinen etc was as nothing compared with having someone there to turn to and ask 'Am I doing this right?' and 'What do you think we should do?' Even if they didn't have an answer, being able to ask the question still helps. My husband was wonderful at the birth and brilliant afterwards. All the dads I know (friends, NCT group, etc) are also great - involved, positive, in love with their babies (classic question: "Why is our baby so beautiful when all the other ones in this hospital are so ugly?" - umm, because you're his daddy?!).
Despite this enthusiasm, parenting books are spectacularly patronising to fathers. It's all about the mother and any advice given (to the mother about the father) is along the lines of "He may not be that into the pregnancy but give him a chance, he'll come round eventually. Meanwhile, don't mention it too much." The books aimed at men are worse. The bottom line here is "Rotten luck, mate, she's only gone and got pregnant. Well you'll just have to deal with it now... but here's how to still get your beers and nights out with the lads." The only halfway-decent tone I've come across was in two books - How to Be a Great Dad by Ian Bruce and The New Father by Armin Brott which are very much more positive. But just two against many... perhaps a few more to tip the balance wouldn't hurt.. and a few less of the negative books?
I know not all fathers are great, but the ones I have met so far amongst my friends and at the NCT class we attended have been full of effort and commitment, and perhaps, just perhaps, if the literature were not so woman-focused while being so patronising and off-putting to men, some of the less keen fathers might be won over. The NCT classes that we attended was the first time I saw the men given a positive role to play and they seemed to enjoy the experience and learn from one another - not just practical things but a sense of excitement and anticipation. Even in that class, though, one session (led by a different teacher) suddenly reversed that. The session leader insisted that the first hour after birth should be skin to skin contact between mother and baby alone. I asked what about the fathers and she very sternly said that the fathers would just have to wait their turn, that it was essential for breastfeeding that the skin to skin was between mother and child only. I mentally filed this under 'rubbish'. Sure enough, my son was born by C-section and my husband was the one to hold him for over an hour before I had any skin-to-skin contact at all. He breastfed just fine. A change in attitude is badly needed.
I mentioned this alienation of fathers to my friend, due at a similar time to me, just before I gave birth. She had just given birth and her response was - if you think the books are patronising, wait till you give birth, when men are considered entirely irrelevant! Sadly she was proven right. I was induced and it took four days before my son was born. Every night, I had to stay in the hospital while my husband was sent home. Every day my contractions started - and then stopped as he went home. In the NCT classes we attended the importance of oxytocin was stressed - the 'love hormone' key to getting labour going and keeping it going - and how it was very much boosted by having a loved one nearby. Alone in a hospital, awaiting my first baby, no wonder the love hormone deserted me every night as my husband was chucked out. The ruling is that men cannot stay on the wards for the sake of privacy. But there are curtains round every bed and the men are allowed to stay all day - my husband and I sat opposite a woman who had very strong contractions for hours and hours before she was taken up to the labour ward proper - we kept our curtains closed, as did she - what's the difference at night?
Might be time for a rethink on policies in hospitals, perhaps offering women the choice - a ward where men stay over or one where it is women-only. I would happily have tolerated other husbands being around if I could have kept mine by my side. And maybe, if he had stayed, the induction process would not have taken four days...
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